June 1st is the day of Joanne of Arc. In 1431, this is the day she was burned at the stake.
This day last year, the man I loved, and had loved and whose son I had loved, and with whom I had shared the heart of my child for three years, told me he wanted me no more. The next day, he called, conversing with me on a more intimate level, and a depth of communication he had withdrawn from in our relationship for already ten months or so (all the while dangling the "we are family" carrot). And again a few days later.
Now, you have to know, his telling me “he needed a break” broke my heart deeply, and then receiving this depthful communication the days that followed was entirely confusing for me. Here he was, when he hadn’t been for months, and after telling me he was leaving, connecting and conversing with me on a level we hadn’t been able to for some time. I was heartbroken, and also willing of course to let this man have the breather he was asking for (though I knew not what he was needing a break from); because I loved the man he had portrayed himself to be, and honored his need. But here he was, coming in close, while I had barely even been able to start feeling the wound of the initial blow. I had not even caught my breath.
And then I spoke to a dear elder, a woman I have known since I was eleven years old. A healer who transitioned both my grandparents into the next dream, and who also was there when my own child was born at home. She put it to me in one sentence that she didn’t even have to think about before saying: “He’s playing “go away – come back”. Now, ouch. This woman has almost eighty years of life experience, five children, twelve grandchildren and twenty one great grandchildren. As much I wanted to, I could not question her interpretation of what was happening now. And, my heart couldn’t take this ~ he was just toying, when my heart felt it had been shattered to a million pieces.
Please do not play around with my heart.
So I just asked him about this. Mind you, at the time, I did not know myself even close to the way I do now. So I am very aware that the expression of my needs was limited to a tiny squeak at best, and definitely only spoken one time; with the desperate and unreal expectation of being heard. And I know now what my inner voice was telling to speak out loud. But in sum, I never saw or heard from him again. We had made plans for our boys to attend summer camps together, we even had a trip or two lined up together, and community gatherings we attended together on a regular basis. But from this point on, he never had the decency or the courtesy to respond to any of my outreaches. To at least talk with me before my son was to see him again. What was I to tell my child? How was I to catch my son from here?
This began what became the beginning of my grief, my sorrow, my own death, and after months and months of this slow slow rebuilding and tending to my inner fire and my family fire, learning to live again, to choose to nourish myself, choosing to honor the tiny things I did love now that I had come back to know them again, my own rebirth on a whole new foundation of self-knowledge, self-acceptance and unconditional self-love.
It is so phenomenal to me to discover this year that June 1st is the day Joanne of Arc was sacrificed. Part of what got me through the dark night was that I was doing it not for myself, but for each and every, and every woman who had ever experienced the type of dismissal, abuse, sacrifice I had just journeyed through. That, somehow, through my own healing, there would be a resonant healing in ripple effect to how I showed up.
Why would they burn Joanne of Arc?! Because they could not handle her fire. Why did this man leave me without a word, as though he had died a sudden death? And left me for dead on the stake? For, while having been one to invite me to stand in my divine feminine power, once I had journeyed through much of my inner child work and was standing in the knowing of my Intuition which could no longer be dismissed and smoothtalked out of the way before sex ~~~ for I now knew this voice inside me is Real ~~~ , lo and behold, man could not bear the mirror I set before him; man could not handle the fire when it came to embrace the woman who steps into her Voice, into her Power, into her Fire, into her Divine Feminine. Woman who then invites him to step up and join her there. Divine Masculine, come forth.
So yes! Joanne of Arc it shall be.
True to the Calling in my very own precious Heart I Am. Honoring my Sacred Fire and the Divine Union within I. Self-Love, Self-Respect, Self-Nurture.
I'm blazin' a trail and invite you along and up.
The only perfection I can offer is that of being a perfectly flawed Human in Being. I don't know what it's going to look like. I don't know what the angels and my Heart will call on me to speak out tomorrow. I won't promise every piece of writing will be complete forever, but it sure as ever will be my Truth in that moment. And knowing me, a few days reflection with that first one, and here we go, next Truth unfolding.