I came here to write a piece about the recovery from abuse. And, as it works, I had already left this painting, "Womb Heals, Root Chakra Medicine" to receive some words. It is one that birthed itself while I found myself in the throws of healing from an abusive relationship in my adult life that I am still in the process of emerging into the Light from. That's a little bit of the magic of authenticity trail. The one where you take one step forward at one time, and as you go along, this comes together. They really do. Believe me, I have come from very far to say, yes, there is, eventually, a coming together.
I was just reminiscing on the weekend past, and how much space I was holding to a hold a healthy boundary for myself which was a challenge for my family to understand and to accept.
A first cousin of mine was visiting from out--of-state, on honeymoon with his first and new wife. I just told the family, hell no, you will not see me, I'd rather be washing the toilet bowl with a toothbrush this weekend than spend a moment of my life with that person. As a young girl, it probably started when I was 11 or 12...this cousin would visit from the US (we were living in France at the time), and in the family, he was always very "verbally wise" ~ he would say things that people felt were very advanced for his age and very inspiring, charming, and so on.
He was also a 14-year-old body builder, probably weighing in around 220lb of muscle. All while publicly wooing all my family members, he would corner me and quietly whisper horrible things to me that destroyed my self esteem, and self confidence. He would diminish my young, tender, 11-year-old self with his words. I would then be so so so small ~ that's when he would come in with the physical stuff ~ pushing me up against a wall, again with the words, telling me how ugly I was. Then he would get flirty. He would be all tight up on me and start looking in my eyes, changing the look in his from disgust to what looked to my confused self like appreciation and softness (such a relief, I thought!), and he would put his hand up my shirt and play with my nipples, then his hand into my shorts in parts of me I didn't even know about.
This went on and on and on and on throughout my early teens ~ by the time I myself knew what feeling aroused felt like, I had been groomed, and I was so totally and utterly confused about this particular creature that there were times it must have looked like, no, I know it looked like I was "consenting". It is only recently that I actually remembered that there really was no choice, the verbal, mental and physical abuse were so incredibly manipulative and painful, that taking off my clothes was all it took to turn those off. It's only in the last couple of years (25 years later), that I have realized that basically the facts of what happened were that he verbally, mentally, and physically abused me until I felt I had no choice but to take my clothes off, let him touch me, let him kiss me and bleuh kiss him back ~ in essence sexually abuse me. Until I was about fifteen. When I was fifteen, he pinned me down and with all force tried to put his fucking cock in me, and to this day, I know it was God that acted through me as I threw this mass of aggressive muscle off me. That scene in my life has replayed over and over and over and over. It was the key to my understanding why, as an adult, I could not experience orgasm.
The trauma I am still recovering from. Trauma I have repeated in different manifestations until I was a grown woman with an 8-year-old son; who was now a witness to my whole self-deprecation; and who saw me bring in untrustworthy people very close into our lives. Seriously, fuck, it's been 1 1/2 now since that shock which brought me to my knees and Death to the fantasy 'me' had created, to the severe addictions I developed in that relationship, fuelled by narcissistic gaslighting and other manipulation techniques from that 'partner', ones that my small small small self totally fell for; I still see what feel like serious repercussions on my ability to function today. I show behavior that indicates to me that I am still terrified at building new relationships. Major trust issues come up in the most basic of conversations. I find that I watch myself trying to get all big, trust the truth of my being, get expansive, I, from the outside look like a total extrovert. At the same time, the reality is, as soon as the closeness gets real, I am watching myself backing off! When someone responds positively to my work, I stop doing it. When I see obtainable goals, I stop in my tracks before I let myself go there.
Heck, I am here, screaming out from the deepest depth of my soul: TRUST YOURSELF!!! And I just cannot hear it. Sometimes. I sometimes just really cannot hear it, and the fearful one ~ the one who everytime, in the past, she has been bold to go big, someone has come in and stolen. Thing is, the victim of the past she has died. I am a New Being.