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October 16, 2017

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Rise up and speak up, dear sisters

October 13, 2017

In the light of all the women speaking out, I too must speak. 


You know why I never spoke on or up to the emotional and mental abuse that was going on in my life just a few years ago? 

First, I had to heal.  I needed to create the awareness and work at building the self-love within to even see in a way that I could begin to find words. 

So many reasons, and here are just a few unedited, first draft reasons:

 

First of all, I literally did not know what was happening. The grooming was lengthy, depthful, very thoroughly thought through, deliberate and pursued without rest. I never had healthy boundaries modeled or taught to me in my childhood, teen hood or early adulthood; and my assumption in the world was that every person had the others' best interest at heart. 

Didn't know some people are cold-hearted and malignant. 

 

The selection process of which I was the prize only appeared clear to me after the shit hit the fan. Then I could see that among the three women he had to choose from at the time (he did not hide to me that I had been "chosen" ~~ LOL grooming at its finest: "you are special, I chose you".  I was definitely the easiest most gullible target. I do not say this now from a place of victimhood.  I understand with profound awareness that this was not my fault. While also owning my part in participating in such a scenario:  I chose to ignore my inner voice at the time. And it was there all along ~ a process which deserves a whole article of its own.  


It is only years later, when I shared the very tip of the happenings with a true dear friend, that her facial expression alone to what she heard, spoke to me & my soul more than the years of silence from the "community" which had witnessed it all.

 

 Isolation was the start. This same friend, he targeted as someone he needed to get rid of. He needed to keep me away from this wise woman so he could do his thing. Not directly, but through lies that he told me, shamefully, I abandoned our friendship and pushed her away during the time of his sick seduction. She was the one true person by my side, and he made sure it didn't stay that way. I own my part in this, I didn’t trust my own Self, or trust my female friendships. For this I can only apologize to her and hope to be forgiven. In fact, tears stroll down my face knowing she was literally the only one who heard me and held space for me when it all came crumbling down, and yes, after all I had done to her.

 

At the same time, he zoned in to be close to my family. Interesting, he knew the story of how my previous partner had never wanted to connect with my family and how much that had hurt me. I mean, Thanksgiving, he came to dinner and charmed and charmed and charmed away. They were hooked from day one.

You get the picture.

 

 In the midst of the "community" in which I stood, he was hailed all around as such an important, special, wonderful and very spiritual person. "What would we do without him?", "He can't be all that bad." "Wow, he has so many talents and skills." "He is always here, ready to give up to give to the community."  Again when the shit hit the fan, it dawned on me that these deemed miraculous appearances were conveniently planned and spread over time sporadically. So he would always appear to show up as an angel who did so much good. But being up close for 2 years I ended up seeing exactly how he worked on and perpetuated this illusion. Narcissism at its best. He’d worked on my family too, so my codependent mother basically pushed me to keep doing anything I needed to do to keep him in my life. In both these communities, I literally knew that no one would be believe me ~ he had positioned himself so well. Years of healing on, and I realize, I could not have spoken it either way: I did not know what was happening, or rather I did not trust, at all, the inner knowing that I had.

 

 And again, the brief moments I did share I thought something was not feeling right, I was told that what was being reflected to me was surely what I needed. That I needed to learn to love unconditionally. That my thoughts were the source of it. That I needed to pray and continue to devote myself and give of myself entirely to the “spiritual” work that we were doing as a group, as he did, and surely I would see that I was just being delusional. Let me just say, that abuse by the priests and so-called spiritual leaders of our world or any man “of power or authority” {I have to put these in quotation marks, because none of this is actual Power or actual Authority} is no longer a question mark to me. It is a craft that has been perpetuated against the Feminine for thousands of years.  

 

Yeah, I guess that’s all I want to say in this moment right here. But there have been years of reflection and inner healing with this ~ free and clear of 98% of the ptsd and the marks ~ so there will be more to come. Especially in this time of the retrieval, the ReBirth & the Voice of the Feminine Essence on our Earth.

 

Rise up, sisters, rise up. You are not alone.

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